not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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