first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
