I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
