Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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