you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
