normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
