Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
