Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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