Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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