Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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