note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
