Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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