And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
