It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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