He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
