I wish I could punch you in the face.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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