I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
