i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
