mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
