i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
