what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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