I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
