I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
