I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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