im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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