guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
