I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
