Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
