and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
