If that was your dad, he is hot
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
