The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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