I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
