The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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