You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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