I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
