I feel great
I just peed on a car
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
