i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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