i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
