I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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