my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
