you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
