our cab driver is having phone sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
