I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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