Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wear drunk well.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
