It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
