I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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