Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
