Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
