I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
