We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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