Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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