we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
