My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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