I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
