we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
